I am back!

Yes, I know, I’ve been gone for too long and the world has been weeping from the loss of my genius advice.

I wasn’t gone because I was busy with college (the exams…quizzes…club meetings…competitions…school plays…THE COMMUTE *shivers*) or because I work part-time (I tutor brats – I mean kids) or because I’m the kind of person who has no sense of commitment and organization. NO. It’s because… I was evil. You read that right. I must’ve caught the bug somewhere *cough* from hanging around my cousin too much *cough* (Chloe: I don’t know what you’re talking about) and it made me a badass villain doing badass villain stuff for the past few months. I lost myself to the dark side.

Worry not! I have been cured (or my brain has finally rewired and has decided to be productive again. We’ll never know) and I’m here to teach you everything I know about the virus called Evillicus Villanicus. (Chloe: You totally made that up *scoffs*) Nobody really knows where you can catch it, but I do know the symptoms and I also know how to cure it before it’s too late.

 

Symptom #1: You don’t just get ‘pissed’, you get ANGRY, DELIRIOUS, I-KILL-YOU-WITH-A-SPOON-MAD.

I get it. That person next to you could chew a little bit more quietly. That annoying biznatch on Facebook could do you a favor by staying off the internet and ridding the social world of her shallow, idiotic posts. People are dumb and everything they do triggers you. It’s THEIR fault, right? It’s like they’re begging for you to slap some sense into them, huh? I’m afraid this means you have caught the virus.

Medicine: You’re not you when you’re hungry. Grab a Snickers. (Sponsor me, please).

 

Symptom #2: Pinocchio is an honest saint compared to you.

It’s okay to tell little white lies once in a while. Things like, No, I didn’t laugh when you made a mistake. Yes, I watched that link to a video you sent me. (Chloe: Are you talking about me?) (Sandy: Or saying, ‘Yes! I’m listening to you!’) But when you start spitting out crap like, No, I didn’t bash your favorite band. No, I didn’t cheat on you. Yes, I eat vegetables. You have crossed the line, buddy.

Medicine: Shut the hell up.

 

Symptom #3: ‘Forgiveness? What’s that? Lol.’

Look, grudges don’t only mean you’re evil, it also means you’re more prone to wrinkles. When someone accidentally steps on your foot, you’re allowed to be mad for ten seconds. When someone eats the food you’ve been saving in the fridge even when you’ve specifically told them not to, ten days. When someone kills your cousin, ten years. (Long enough, Chloe?) But after that, give the killer a call. Talk about it. Hug it out.

Medicine: Stay away from Taylor Swift. You don’t need that kind of bad influence in your life.

 

Symptom #4: You sit on a swivelly chair while stroking a cat.

This is a freaking sign that you’re cool, man. But swivelly chairs (especially if it’s made of black leather) plus cats (especially the white, fluffy ones. Constantine uses cats to go to hell for a reason. Doesn’t mean it should stop you from getting one – or eleven – though) also mean you’re slowly morphing into a villain. (Chloe: Again, are you talking about me?)

Medicine: Get a puppy.

 

Symptom #5: ‘MWAHAHAHAHA!’

Evil laughter. Need I say more?

Medicine: Be sad.

 

Symptom #6: You can talk to snakes.

If you’ve reached this stage, it’s bad. You’re almost at the point of no return. Whatever you do, do not let yourself give in to the temptation of splitting your soul. Take a chill pill and listen to me. Trust me, if you continue down this path, you will die and people will clap when you do.

Medicine: Coffee with an extra pump of milk.

 

Symptom #7: You’re *thisclose* to murdering someone.

To be honest, CSI can be partially blamed for this. But honey, baby, sweetie pie, killing is illegal. So don’t do it.

Medicine: Start a blog. Why get arrested when you can write an article! (Sandy: Which is why we have this blog, actually.)

 

Symptom #8: You don’t like Grease.

Why don’t you like it? Whatever answer you give is wrong. Watch it again. Watch it until you like it. (Sandy: What about Grease 2?)

Medicine: You like it. If you don’t, refer to number two.

Get well soon! xoxo

 

(Featured photo credit to https://zolaida.deviantart.com/)