The three of us (Sandy, Sam and Chloe) had an Oscar viewing party last week and we decided to live blog about the noteworthy moments. It started out so well but being who we are, it quickly devolved into chaos. Just like the actual Oscars! Hah.
Let the madness begin!
Justin Timberlake’s opening number
Sandy: I do not like Justin Timberlake. At all. But this number has me liking him against my will. I love that these A-listers are being forced to stand up and bust a move. The tension is broken right away.
Sam: My brain is mush right now.
Chloe: If I were to win an Oscar, I’d sew him little clothes and show him off. Also, JT can really dance.
Sandy: I know, right? He can move! Look, Javier Bardem fist bump! JT’s dancers look so pretty, like dancing celebrities.
Chloe: JT is who Bieber wishes he could be. Sorry Sam.
Sam: I don’t love Bieber!
Chloe: Anymore. Own it! Like I do. Jobros forever! And NKOTB for you deep down, Sandy.
Sandy: I don’t deny it at all! NKOTB is love —
ALL: JACKIE CHAAAANNNN!! MICHAEL J. FOOOOOX!
Sam: I liked this. So fun!
Jimmy Kimmel’s opening monologue
Sandy: It was okay, I guess? He’s not unfunny, but I don’t find him funny. He’s just meh. I’ll laugh at his jokes, but I won’t remember them after the thing is over, unlike say, someone like Colbert, Stewart or Seinfeld. And how much of the whole joke does Matt Damon know, do you think?
Chloe: Well, I like Kimmel’s comedy. It’s dry. He doesn’t need gimmicks like Fallon.
Sam: *has no thoughts*
Sandy: They had me at montage.
All: *sees Robin Williams* NOOOOOOOOO. It hurts forever. Crying.
The Hidden Figures Women
All: *crying uncontrollably*
Sandy: Also, good on Janelle Monae for knowing that you don’t have to lean in to the mike and hog it like a fool in order to be heard.
Chloe: She is standing so far away and she’s just cool about it!
Lin-Manuel Miranda and Moana
Sandy: This song is growing on me. I kind of feel like the Lin-Manuel participation was forced, like they just needed to squeeze him in any way. I was expecting for them to rework the song as a duet, but no. Bleh.
Chloe: Well he can’t really sing. But she’s so pretty! And the waves are so pretty..
Sam: OMG she got hit by the wave! Hahahahaha.
Chloe: You have to love her poise! If it were me I would’ve just walked out.
Sam: If I ever win an Oscar and you died Chloe, I’d thank you and say “I know you’re looking up at me.” Hahahaha.
Chloe: Omg even if I’m still alive please do it!
Sandy: I would give a heartfelt thanks to the man up there…not God, but the guy in the balcony.
Presenters and their Inspirations
Sandy: I love this new thing they have about inspirations. It’s so deep and emotional…
ALL: OMG WHAT IS UP WITH NICOLE KIDMAN’S HANDS? What happened!!!
Chloe: Suddenly Keith Urban’s hands are so small!
Sandy: Maybe because she has long nails?
Sam: Nooooo. Her hands are longer than her head!
Sandy: Like a foot! She has foot hands!
Chloe: I’m looking for pictures of her normal hands! Hold on! Look look! They were normal before the Oscars started!
Sandy: Do you mean they just grew in a couple of hours?
Chloe: Did she get finger implants? Is she protecting her jewelry?
Sam: Maybe her nail polish hadn’t dried yet? Omygawwwwwwd. It’s not her clapping that’s weird! It’s her actual hands!
Sandy: I can’t look away.
Chloe: I don’t think we can ever move on from this.
(We had to cut this part because it was literally 10 minutes of laughing. We are evil. But we love you, Nicole!)
Sandy: I totally call bullshit on this. They were not even the slightest bit surprised! That’s not normal. They absolutely expected this.
Chloe: If that happened to us, we would have been AAAAAAHHHHHHH! And I would sit on Meryl’s lap.
Sam: They weren’t starstruck at all! I know myself, I would totally lose my shit.
Chloe: Sandy, you would actually react the same way as those tourists. Because imagine if you saw Bono, you would just freeze and find yourself moving towards him like a creepy stalker.
Sandy: Too true.
Sam: But there should at least have been someone who reacted like a normal starstruck person! No. This is fake.
Michael J. Fox and Seth Rogen
Sam: OHMYGOD MICHAEL J. FOX! Awwwwwwwww. I love this. I’m crying. Waaaahhh. Beautiful, beautiful. Perfect!
Sandy: I’m only watching on TV and I’m genuinely clapping. And crying. And Michael J. Fox sang ‘Eliza’! Worlds collide!
Chloe: This is the best moment ever.
Those freebies in parachutes
Sam: With my luck, I would end up with nothing. Nothing.
Chloe: Yeah me too.
Sandy: I’d look like Taraji P. Henson throwing a mini tantrum for not getting anything.
That whole La La Land number
Chloe: Ryan Gosling looks like he’s going to the prom.
Sam: Do we really have to go through this?
Sandy: But you’ll end up liking the songs because of John Legend! Well, maybe not that ‘City of Stars’ song because that still sucks. But that other one is good! Because it shows how a song can sound if a real singer with a voice sings it. Not those posers Stone and Gosling.
Chloe: I still don’t like it.
In Memoriam Montage
Sandy: Genuinely choked up at Jennifer Aniston tearing up over Bill Paxton. And that song. Sara Bareilles killed it. (Oops. That was an unfortunate choice of words.)
Chloe: Sara’s voice is perfect for this.
Sam: OMG Anton Yelchin is dead?
Chloe: It’s been forever, Sam.
Sam: Wait this is too much.
That Best Picture moment
Sam: *gasp* PLOT TWIST!
Sandy: I swear this totally blew my mind. I thought it was just a Kimmel bit.
Sam: Why did no one say anything? Why did no one do anything?
Chloe: Beatty threw her under the bus! He didn’t say anything! My God imagine how the La La Land producers felt for those 5 minutes.
Sam: Omygosh how embarrassing.
Chloe: That bald producer guy was just rude! RUDE!!! Who are you to do that to Warren Beatty? You don’t snatch anything from Beatty, you fool! No no no no!
Sam: Rude! And his head looks weird!
Chloe: It’s not your fault, Warren Beatty!
Sam: That guy was just rude. He is evil. What an a**hole.
Sandy: Stay away from Warren Beatty’s aura!
Chloe: It’s not your fault either, Kimmel.
Sandy: At least Miss Colombia didn’t throw a tantrum when the real Ms. Universe was announced!
Sam: I blame weird head guy for all of this! He ruined the show! He ruined everything.
Wow, we got through it! Kudos to you if you made it this far.
To wrap it up:
Best Hair: Halle Berry. Because seriously that was fierce. And fabulous.
Best Boobs: Salma Hayek. I mean did you see them? How did her dress straps take the weight? We could not take our eyes off of them.
Best Face: Chris Evans! And Viggo forever.
Best Fingers: NICOLE KIDMAN.
Funniest moment: John Cho and Leslie Mann and the Academy Sci-Tech awards (even though Chloe thinks the joke is offensive to nerds, but Sam and I think nerds are cool enough to get the joke and nerds rule).
Runner-up: That running gag of Kimmel and Damon’s “feud”. And Damon being played off while presenting.
Most doubt-worthy moment: Those tourists. No one bought that at all.
Most profesh moment: Auli’i Cravalho after being bonked on the head by the wave.
Runner-up: Kimmel handling #oscargate so well.
Most moving moment: The In Memoriam. Sniff.
Best moment: Michael J. Fox and Back to the Future. Love love love. Forever. That was perfection.
Worst moment: Every time they showed Emma Stone. No we still do not get her winning. And getting to receive an Oscar from LEO. And anything La La effing Land. Are we such trolls for hating on other people’s happiness? Eh.
Don’t me moment: Casey Affleck winning. Because that raises serious questions. And just no. (Though Brie Larson refusing to clap, and Chrissie Teigen sleeping during Affleck’s speech – thanks to Sam’s eagle eye or we would have missed it! – were good moments. But still, don’t me, Affleck.)
And that’s it! Until next year!