The 13 Best Lonely Island Songs

Lonely Island, a comedy rap group responsible for multiple viral videos and dozens of Saturday Night Live sketches, is made up of members Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, and Andy Samberg. Their videos became so popular that they even had a portion of SNL dedicated to their hilarious videos called Digital Shorts. Though Samberg may be the most famous of the trio, you’ll end up loving Schaffer and Jorma after watching enough of their videos.

This was supposed to be a Top 10 list but I’m not sorry. If you’re a fan you’ll understand and if you’re not, you’ll thank me for showing you some of the funniest shit ever.

13.  Go Kindergarten (The Wack Album)

Go stupid, get stupid – because we said to do it
Go dumb, eat garbage – we goin’ kindergarten

Let’s start this list with a song featuring Swedish pop singer Robyn, who sings the hook of the song, and Sean Combs and Paul Rudd in its music video. The song perfectly parodies those songs that tell you to do stupid shit and those people who are actually stupid enough do that shit. And Paul Rudd represents the rest of the world, those of us who are wondering why the hell people are crazy enough to do stupid shit.

12. YOLO (The Wack Album)

No blankets or pajamas
They can choke you in your sleep.
Two words about furniture:
Killing machines.

I despise the word YOLO (is it a word?) so much that I once threatened to kill Sam (Sam: YOLO, bitch) if she ever used it in front of me again but Lonely Island somehow turned this super annoying motto into a funny song about staying alive and paranoia, which is just genius. Adam Levine sings the chorus filled with warnings and Kendrick Lamar raps about investing in your future. They talk about burning off their thumb prints, building bomb shelters, and staying away from all forms of transportation. They even manage to sneak in a warning about illegal drugs, so that’s cool.

11. We Like Sportz (Incredibad)

We like sportz and we don’t care who knows
Football Football Football. Tennis. Hockey. Golf.

Are you that guy? That guy that pretends to like sports so they can fit in? That guy who watches the latest sporting event just so they can understand what everyone is talking about? Well, this song is for you, dude! It’s filled with sports lingo cliches, and Jorma and Akiva’s bored tone while they rap is just so funny that you’ll at least be smiling while you watch them awkwardly throw around their balls (the sporting kind) in the music video. Oh! And fuck you Steve! (Sandy: We do not endorse swearing in this blog, ya bish.)

10. Diaper Money (The Wack Album)

I got that diaper money.

I got that wife pussy.

I got that grave plot.

I’m a grown ass man.

We’ve all been there, desperately trying to convince the world (and ourselves) that we’re adults who are adulting. (Sam: Not me. I’m an adult who can’t adult, and I’m  proud. YOLO pt. 2) This is our song of proclamation. We are grown ass people who totally have our shit figured out. That’s a lie. But nobody will ever know.

9. Like A Boss (Incredibad)

Buy a gun (like a boss)
In my mouth (like a boss)
Oh fuck man, I can’t fucking do it, shit!

Pussy out (like a boss)

The video for this is just so ridiculous and Seth Rogen’s bewildered look at the end of it is pretty much the look you’ll have after watching it too. They rap about the stress of the adult world again and the mental breakdown one would have if they were depressed and the boss and nothing in their life was going right. Anybody know where I can get the fish costume in the video? You know, because reasons.

8. Boombox (Incredibad)

The music washed away all the hate
And society started advancing
Every demographic was represented
It was a rainbow coalition of dancing

Ah, the powers of the boombox. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a boombox in my whole life except in cheesy 90’s movies. In Your Eyes, right? (Sandy: First of all, ‘Say Anything’ came out in 1989. Secondly, there’s no such thing as a cheesy 90s movie TAKE THAT BACK!) I had no clue who Julian Casablancas was but after watching the short I developed this weird crush that I only have when watching him in this video. They sing about the boombox as well as its effect on people and how it could possibly be dangerous *gasp* and it also mentions fingerless gloves (you heard that right Sandy) (Sandy: Fingerless gloves are my life goal.) You’ll be singing this song for a while and also develop a weird hatred for boiled goose, but it’s worth it.

7. I Just Had Sex (Turtleneck And Chain)

I’m so humbled by a girl’s ability
To let me do her
Cuz honestly I’d have sex
With a pile of manure

The song features Akon and the video has Jessica Alba and Blake Lively as the poor women who are the victims of the two weird dudes who sing about sex. It awkwardly (creepily? weirdly?) celebrates sexual frivolity. There’s no other way of putting it. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just no Shakespeare. I have nothing else to say. *bows* (Sam: How eloquently verbosely perspicacious of you.) 

6. Natalie’s Rap (Incredibad)

It’s Portman motherfucker, drink ’til I’m sick
Slit your throat and pour nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry; while I laugh, you die

Okay, kudos to Oscar winner Natalie Portman for being cool enough to do something like this, she even volunteered. It talks about what she’s “really like” and what her Harvard life was like.  It’s safe to say, you’ll see her differently after this. I love this song. I got this bitch memorized.

5. Jack Sparrow (Turtleneck And Chain)

Michael Bolton we’re really gonna need you to focus up

{Roger that let me try it with another film}
Wait-

The song and video are both equally side splitting and so catchy. Lonely Island just want to do a stereotypical club banger but Michael Bolton has other plans. His obsession with the Pirates of Caribbean movies is way too strong, much to Lonely Island’s dismay. When they finally tell him to stop it with the Jack Sparrow shit, he changes it up. He sings about other movies instead. And let me tell you, Michael Bolton dressed as Erin Brockovich is the best thing you’ll see all day.

4. I’m On A Boat (Incredibad)

I’m on a boat and, it’s goin fast and
I got a nautical themed pashmina afghan
I’m the king of the world, on a boat like Leo
If you’re on the shore, then you’re sho’ not me-oh

Sadly, Jorma wasn’t invited to the boat ride. I mean, it was either T-Pain or him? For a party boat, no contest. It parodies multiple rap cliches and T-Pain’s autotuned vocals go so well with the vibe of the song. They sing about all the shenanigans one does on a luxury boat ride such as: drinking Santana champ (’cause it’s so crisp), riding dolphins (doin’ flips and shit), and fucking mermaids, as one does. This went platinum. It was even nominated for a Grammy (which they lost, the travesty). You read me right.

3. Lazy Sunday (Incredibad)

Hit The Chronic (WHAT?) cles of Narnia
Yes The Chronic (WHAT?) cles of Narnia
We love The Chronic (WHAT?) cles of Narnia
Pass The Chronic (WHAT?) cles of Narnia

The first viral video was made with only a borrowed camera and a dream. Starring Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell, they rap about macking on cupcakes, smuggling food into the theater (admit it, we’ve all done it), and Narnia. This is credited as the video that made Youtube  famous. Do you need anything else to prove how awesome this is? Yes? Well, it mentioned both Aaron Burr and Hamilton before it was cool. *drops mic* (Sandy: *goes back to listen to it again because Hamilburr*)

2. Jizz In My Pants (Incredibad)

Its perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
But were going to need a clean up on aisle 3

This kind of reminds me of some of the guys I went to high school with. You know, those guys who were desperately trying to prove their sexual readiness but failing miserably with their Axe Body Spray and annoying/cheesy/sexist pick-up lines. I’m not saying they ever jizzed their pants in school, but this songs sounds like it was written by them. The video though is just so funny with Andy and Jorma’s facial expressions and Akiva just randomly dj-ing in the background. It’s a hilarious earworm and something you’d want to share with friends. (Sam: I know I did, thanks to you.) 

1. Dick In A Box (Incredibad)

Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin’ real
Wanna get you somethin’ from the heart
Somethin’ special girl
It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box babe

I was seriously debating with myself whether or not I was going to make this my number one. Like, am I really the type of girl that still laughs at dick jokes? The answer is a strong yes. (Sam: AMEN! No shame. YO effing LO) It’s practically a Christmas song! All about gift giving and finding something special for that special someone, perfect for Valentine’s Day. They pretty much sing about why it’s the perfect gift to give until they get arrested, I assume due to indecent exposure. Andy Samberg’s deep voice gives you some weird R&B vibes and Justin Timberlake pretty much being himself with a 70’s porn-stache really sells the song. With gift boxes strategically placed over their junk, Samberg and Timberlake perfectly captured a kind of creepy cool thing and started a trilogy of songs featuring  Mother Lover and 3-Way. They also created characters so loved by SNL audiences that the were featured in future sketches. The best way to end the list? With my dick in a box! Metaphorically. (Sandy: Geezus, you millenials.)