Why Do I Hate Coldplay?

It has now come to this. I am actually defending Coldplay to my sister! Oh help.

Before you take away my Coldplay-hating creds, let me explain. A Coldplay song came up while I was browsing YouTube, and my sister just casually said, “I don’t like any Coldplay songs.” To which I replied, “WHAT? How can you not like ‘Fix You’? Or ‘Yellow’? Or “Clocks’?”

And a second later I felt so dirty. How can I be defending a band who I’ve resolutely decided to hate because of their cheesiness, insipidness, and overall self-importance? (Hello? Chris Martin as the next great melodist after McCartney? Delusions of grandeur much?) Chris Martin’s Gwynneth connection does not help, either.

Coldplay confuses me. I don’t really know why I hate them. Mind you, I have their first four albums – FOUR! – and I loved two of them. Or at least, strongly liked. X&Y was a dud to me. And by the time Viva la Vida came out (oh sorry, Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends), it was a real effort to still be into the band, when I already knew that it was a lost cause. (See? It’s pretensions like that stuffy title that do not endear them to anyone!)

A large chunk of it could be Chris Martin’s Gwynnification. (And how telling is it that each time I type Martin’s name, it comes up “Christ”?) Yes, they’ve consciously uncoupled or whatever, but seriously, how do you shake off something like that?

And also, I know this is the shallowest thing ever. But lead guitarist Jonny Buckland just looks like a stealth douche. Sorry, but not really. I judge his book by its cover.

I’m really trying to understand and explain this hate, but I can’t. If there’s anyone out there who can, I’d gladly listen. BUT, when I hear “Fix You”, I can forgive Coldplay. (Even their Beastie Boys tribute, God help me.) It even makes me defend them, against my will and against all my principles.

Damn you, Coldplay, for confusing the shit out of me and making me question my very being! Damn you!