The American Idol finale is upon us once again, which in my house means we are in for another crushing disappointment.

The contestants we’ve felt most strongly about have almost always lost – Elliott Yamin, Bo Bice, Constantine Maroulis. Though there have been some redeeming moments, notably those involving Philip Phillips, Lee Dewyze and Fantasia, this year we are girding our loins for the inevitable victory of one Planet Jena.

Not only do we actively dislike Jena (we still call her Jeh-na, not Jee-na, as she keeps reminding everyone along with an eyeroll), but we ADORE Caleb. Caleb is an authentic rocker who truly channels the classic greats like Led Zeppelin, Rush and The Faces. And he is actually good! He can wail with the best of them or sing a tender ballad.  We will never tire of that voice. In fact, we are already looking forward to buying his album. You don’t really need to win to be successful outside Idol.

Following is a highly scientific and objective discussion among the Witches Coven, dissecting the craziness that is the battle of the final two.

Tammy: I still hope that talent will win out, as it should, but which doesn’t normally happen.

Chloe: Jena sounds like a seagull being stabbed to death.

Caleb is a gift from the gods.

Sandy: Jena makes every song sound like a troll laugh. “It’s a heart attawkkkatrolololahwl”. What is up with that?

Caleb, on the other hand, can make a Lady Gaga song sound like a Journey or Foreigner classic. He can do no wrong for me.

Tammy: Why does she sing and swallow her tongue at the same time?

Chloe: Why does she have to sing, period.

Tammy: If there were no Idol conspiracies, Caleb would definitely win. He’s leagues beyond Jena.
And he doesn’t act all cocky.

Chloe: Unlike Jena who acts like she already knows everything.

Sandy: She is so fake. When the judges are giving feedback, she’s only smiling when they’re saying good things. But the moment there’s a hint of criticism, you can see her eyes blaze as if to say, “How dare you not think I’m perfect! TROLOLOLAHWLL.”

I can’t get enough of Caleb singing “Faithfully!” And Led Zeppelin. And MAYBE I’M AMAZED! And he knows how to interact with the band naturally.

Chloe: Unlike Jena who only has one move with the guitarist (Sandy: That’s Sasha!). Ooh “I’m gonna lean back against him and be all intense here.” Yeah that is so rawk.

Sandy: “Put your glowsticks up! TROLOLOLAHWL.”

Tammy:  Every song Caleb sings, he tries to make it different. With Jena, she sings every song the same way. Which is not a good way.

Sandy: At least Caleb gets to perform with Kiss. KISS! Take that Paramore.

And the judges are supposed to perform too, so that ought to be at least something.

There you have it. Tune in tomorrow for the coronation.

UPDATE 05/23/14:

 WE WERE WRONG! And it’s never felt so good! Hooray for Caleb!